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It's sad that family members cannot be more supportive. It's difficult not to share this with those we love but once you do, you have to deal with whatever they toss your way. We chose NOT to share our decision with anyone other than our 2 children until we're definitely pregnant. I had my TR July 12, '06 and am excited and anxious but very positive about what is yet to come. We don't need family or friends with their negativity to try to bring us down, it's between God, me and my husband. That's the bottom line. Pray about it, talk to your spouse and if you feel you are making the right decision for you, then YOU ARE.
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Hi Nita, Hello All. My daughter is supportive, but my son admits he doesn't want this to happen because he thinks he won't get to buy the things he wants if we have another child. My hubby and I have been together 20 years, married 16.. he never wanted me to have the TL so this has been a hard issue for us. I really want this, but he feels our family is complete. He thinks I should be put back together to feel whole, but isn't sure about the baby part of it. No one in my family is supportive. "you've gotta be crazy" "why would you want more when you are almost finished" "you would be an idiot to even consider this" I have heard it all and wish I had never told anyone about it. I should have kept it between my husband and myself.
NITA- your baby will not look old, it will be beautiful and precious like all babies.. don't let those people get you down. You know what you can handle and what your heart is telling you. ~ MONICA
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Hello Everyone I too have had bad vibes from my daughters, sisters and so called dear friends. My girls ages 18 and 16 say am way too old just 35 had my tl done on January 22 1990 with my last child. I really want another child and really looking forward for someone to contact me soon, just fax my records over to Rhonda Brown, RN. My sisters are laughing at me becase they both had theirs done oldest sister Novemeber 18 1993 and baby sister think maybe 1996 or 1997 with only one child. They say my child will look old and have problems but mostly my baby girl very concern b/c her god mother has a 2 year with Down. I explain to her that any mother of any age could possible have a Down baby and not to be concern but she feels I should wait to become a grandmother but I really don't want to become a grandmother right now. I want my girls to enjoy life work on getting a career or marriage and then a child. Some many young girls including myself get caught up I was 16 when I first go pregnant and second child came at at 18 but yet I still should have waited don't believe in abortion. Try so hard for the bad comments not to effect me but its hard when its your family. Good luck to everyone trying to have another child. Be bless.
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I was one of those people at one time in my life...sorry it is true. I was raising four kids on my own working two jobs and going to college. It was WORK and I couldn't understand why people would add extra work to their lives. Two marriages later and 14 yrs. after TL I changed my mind. I met the man of my dreams and my kids are 23, 18, 17 & 14 yrs old. I had my TR 3/9/06 and pray I can add just one more to the litter. People make assumption based on what is going on in their own lives. I honestly believe they don't realize how hurtful their words are. Rejoice in your descision...everyone who matters will come around. Kathy
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I think you should do whatever is comfortable for you and your family. Are you friends and family paying your bills and taking care of the children you already have...NO!!!! So, it's not their business...although...you would like to have their support and it's disappointing to hear the opinions...it doesn't matter what they have to say.
I will say...my SIL has 4 and she gets the same comments and she wants more but health wise she couldn't get pregnant again. It drives her bananas and she constantly asks me why people are so negative when they find out she has 4 and I just tell her I think it is out of the norm these days to have such a big family. I think cost is the biggest factor for not having such a big family and this is the first thing people think of. I don't know. For her though, they aren't the wealthiest and although her children really don't go without anything...I do see the older ones have suffered the consequences of Mommy's decision to have more children. For instance, the older ones (7&8) can't be kids they are busy being babysitters and helping mommy with the younger ones, they can't play sports, they can't do extracurricular activities, sometimes can't do certain things b/c the little ones will feel left out, they can't go to camp, they can't go to the library, they can't go out to eat, they can't go on the computer...blah blah blah. All because of the younger ones...2 & 1 yr olds. So, I have personally seen how it affects the older children....the parents choices of having more has had a direct impact on the quality of their lives which I personally think is sad but that's my opinion only and would never say anything to my SIL about it b/c she is extremely sensitive and needy!
So, I would say...if you could afford it and having more kids wasn't going to impact the other ones....GO FOR IT!!!!!!
Ultimately, it is your decision.
Good Luck with your decision and wishing you peace without ever choice you make, Grace
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CATUK, I am in the same boat as you. Me and my DH have 5 children before my TL...my family is way less supportive than my friends ( which is sad). I get all the same comments as you had. I tell them, you do not raise my children, you do not provide for them and I do not ask you to even keep them for me occasionally. So, why does it matter to you. I even get the comment about christmas presents because I have 5. So, I know where you are coming from. I am not telling them I am TTC it is not their business and when and if we do conceive I will tell them after the danger zone is over and get a kick out of their reactions . Try not to let it bog you down, I know it is hard because we want our family and friends to support us, but unfortunately that does not always happen. Blessings, Christie
As my Dh and I ( been together 11 years ) have decided a TR is what we want we have tested the water by mentioning it to a few friends , people who I thought I was close to and I could share this with, but no i`ve had comments that i`m selfish , greedy , stupid , mad , what on earth do I want another baby for ( I have 4,2 DS and 2 DD ) That I should get over it and move on , you can`t carry on breeding forever etc !! I mean how annoying is that ?
Like a previous poster said these people have the choice still if they want another child I don`t , the only person who has been supportive is my lovely health visitor who says i`m a natural mother and she`ll back me all the way , which was so nice of her .
I darn`t tell my mother as she was the one who talked me into having the TL in the first place , i`m one of 5 children and tbh she found it very tough raising us , but not to brag I have 4 and I don`t struggle , we have a decent income , our kids get what they want and we are all fit and healthy , why not have another child if it will make us happy ?
My dh is prepared to do what it takes to see me happy he hates seeing me so down every month when blasted Af arrives and reminds me what I can`t have anymore !
Part of me wonders if I am being selfish and should just get over it , move on and get a career etc but i`m only 29 ,I don`t feel my family is complete yet ,I want another child maybe two simple as that!
I asked my friend who was very negative why she wanted her two children , her reply was well she just did , so why am I wrong to want another one , if I got pregnant and hadn`t had the TL i`m sure i`d have comments ,I got them with my 4th child but people would have supported me , it`s only because i`m prepared to go to such lengths and they can`t understand it that I think it worries them maybe ??
Also the expense is a worry , friends have said our children will suffer because we are being selfish , one friend said as they get older they cost more so you shouldn`t keep on having them its not right ?? stupid woman !! GRRR !
Sorry i`m waffling for england here , i`m just so grateful to be able to come on this board and find everyone has been there ,done that and knows how I feel , thanks ladies .
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We also have decided to keep things quiet. DH and I have been together since high school. When I was pregnant with each of our 4 both of our families were begging us to stop. So we did. They one us over with all the how are you going to take care of that many? Kids cost money! I have made comments here and there about more and they just tell me to be happy with what we have. I have also found it hard even with friends that I thought would be supportive. None of them have gone through a TL and so their ability to get pregnant was never taken away. I say this as right now 4 of my friends are pregnant. They tell me that they know what it is like...but no. I don't think any one does till they have actually gone through it. We aren't going to tell any one till we are safely 3-4 months along. I just have to have faith that will happen!!! I have one friend that will watch the kids..she will be the only one to know. Which is sad cause I want to tell every one! I am so excited at the thought of getting this surgery! The closer we get to scheduling the more exciting and nerve racking it is!
Your story is almost a carbon copy of my own. My hubby is 12 years older than me, I am 34 years old and I had my tubes tied at the ripe old age of 21. I was barely old enough to drink legally.
I have not told my parents. They believe that both my husband and I are too old to have children. In fact, they have not made it a secret that they feel this way. My sister has asked me not to put her in the middle.
My DH and his family have been so supportive and loving and behind us all of the way. I am not sure I could ever talk with my family about this and probably will not til I am pregnant.
Sandy 34 DH 46 DSD 22 DS 14 DS 14 DS 12 soon to be 13 TL 8-18-1993 (youngest son's b'day) TR plan to schedule this Oct!!!
whrdidmymoneygo
posted
I am also keeping it VERY quiet, because I don't want people offering their opinion about how we spend our money, whether it is wise to have more children because of school, and because I had hyperemesis with both pregnancies, whether the world is already suffering from a population problem, etc.
Good grief, it is not difficult to find people who will judge you for what you want to do. So, the less they know, the better. I have a friend, now in her late 50s, who has known me since I was 16. She must have thought my tubal ligation was a good idea, because I have had to "shut her down" on numerous occasions about this surgery. I told her that it is none of her business and that it is completely natural for a couple to want to have children together, and that public opinion sure seems to have changed dramatically in the last century, because these debates never would have occurred before.
Then, last night in "Bioethics in the Law," we were discussing forced sterilization and some of the cases and history, and could NOT believe what a couple of the students were saying. My blood pressure must have risen, because I had to spout off or I would have had steam coming out my ears. I essentially told them that it is absolutely ridiculous to posit that a family should make a certain amount of money before bringing children into the world, and that by their standard for parental worthiness, 2/3 of the world would need to be sterilized.
I'm sure they would feel differently if their own "wild" behavior in their youth had been the standard for forced vasectomies. Childbearing is such a "natural right" that I just get really IRRITATED at people who have opinions about whether OTHER people should reproduce, or continue to. Give me a break. If I were in charge, I would give those opinionated people something more constructive to do with their time. *grin* I'm done with my diatribe (for now).
Stand up for yourself, and keep it TO yourself whenever you think it will bring you more peace. Best wishes, Heather
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I'm not a very patient person with rude or nosy people, even if they are relatives. I'd try a couple of times to explain nicely why i wanted to do this, but after that I'd basically just say it's not their life and none of their business.
I had my tubes tied when I was 22, right after I had my son with my now e-husband who was more of a child than the new baby ways, I've regretted it ever since, and now that I've been happily re-married for 4 years, we're going to try reversal. I'm at te very start of this process; I've just now requested my TL records from the hosiptal to send for review. My husband is 15 years older than me, and we've gotten some funny looks about why we want this and why we can't be grateful for what we have already. We are grateful, we just want a child of our own together now that we're in a better place to truly enjoy what we have.
I wish nothing but the best for you all. I'll probably be the scared/excited/nervous basket-case on here all the time as I go through this process and get closer to acheiving my TR. At least I know I'm not alone!
Seems to be quite a common problem, i had my TL in April of 2002 after the birth of our second baby. I have been married only once, and will be with my DH forever : ) After our second baby we thought we were okay with 3 (he has a son from his first marriage who lives with us). ANyway, I went ahead with my TL and have regretted it ever since. I have challenging pregnancies, it's a balancing act of medication to combat pre-term labor. My first was 2 months early and our second made it to term, Our second baby, Luke will be 4 in April...as far as we knew, he was fine when he was born, but we soon learned differently, Luke has an undiagnosed "neurological disease", he has no speech, difficulty with motor skills, and funcitons at about a 9-12 month level. this has been th emost painful experience of our lives and we are really hoping to add to our family, we want lots of love and support for Riley and Luke as well as ELi (my SS) I can't tell you all of the negative opinions we have gotten, like we shouldn't be so selfish, we should focus on Luke alone, etc. But this desire is so strong and I am trying to find the courage to follow my heart, I am scheduled for 3/20, none of my family knows except for my brother and his wife, and it will probably stay that way until we get a BFP, Lord willing. So, follow your heart, you only liveonce and if children are what brings you joy, than add joy to your life.
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My story is similar to yours. I had my first TR 5/03 and my family thought I was crazy. This is my second marrage which is going on to 6 years this coming fall. I do have 3 wonderful girls from my previous marrage 19,15,14 and they can't understand why I would want another one. My current inlaws are happy with it and can't wait for us to have a child. My DH has none of his own. We had our 2nd TR 6/05 to unblock one of my tubes and are stll continuing our journey. It has been 2 1/2 years since our first TR but we have not given up. My family now says that if that is what I want then they are happy for me. Don't let other people decide what you should have in life. They are not the ones living in your shoes. Good luck to all of you and lots of BFP's. Susan
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Jody- because we did not want to go thru the reactions that you are getting- we kept our decision a complete secret! I am 46 and DH is 47 and our TR was just on 1/6. We didn't want to expose ourselves to others opinions because it is OUR LIFE not theirs! Although it was difficult to keep quiet about a trip across the country, and then take it easy for a week when we got home- we did just that, and no one is the wiser! When we get our BFP (and I am sure we will) we will explain that those 'little soldiers' must have jumped the gap! It will truly be a miracle! (with a little help from Dr. B!!!!) good luck to you and keep your chin up!
USMC- sounds like making those previous in-laws xxx's was a GREAT decision!!!
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Sweetie, you tell them that it is not about "needs" it is about WANTS, and you WANT to have another child. Remind them that no one "needs" any children. Can you imagine the flack I get... we have 7 children, blended family, DH's sister never had any... her choice, she has a lot of "nice stuff" though get my drift? Follow what your heart tells you and remind them that children are a gift from God and what kind of woman would turn down a gift like that! Be sweet, keep your smile and remind yourself that it's not theirs to decide, you didn't tell them how many children they should have and you would like the same freedom!
Sending you blessings, tough skin and a big smile Mitz
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